How do millionaires like Michael Moore and Glenn Beck turn human misery and despair into piles of cash? By never letting a crisis go to waste. Before the blood is washed from the streets, they’re hard at work, spinning crushed bone into gold.
Want to get in on the action? Here’s an outline any aspiring misery vulture can use.
Introduction: Be polite – Make a perfunctory condemnation of the crime
First subtopic: Never let a crisis go to waste – The crime confirms the theories that you’ve been ranting about for years. That’s why you ‘understand’ it and the motives behind the attack. Tell your readers that you know what the criminals want. Make it clear that if they don’t listen to you, they’ll be sorry.
Second subtopic: Tu quoque or “I’m rubber, you’re glue” – Appeal to hypocrisy. Discredit the opponent by showing their failure to act consistently in accordance with their position. Present proof that victim and his tribe/country/religion are just as bad/misguided/wrong as the perpetrator. Make a short but succinct list of all of the crimes and misdemeanors committed by the victims & related citizens throughout history. Exaggerate their faults,
Third subtopic: Fertilize your ideological fever swamp – Imply that their anger and outrage are pathetic and misguided. The only way they will ever be able to save themselves is to heed your advice (and the advice of those who are politically affiliated with you). If no one is on your side, use sockpuppets. If you can’t even manage that, use this quote from Mahatma Ghandi “First they ignore you, then they ridicule you, then they fight you, and then you win.”
Final summary: Re-state the perfunctory condemnation of attack, followed by a summary of the faults of the victim(s) and all related to them. Follow it up with veiled or not so veiled threats of further crime if your advice goes unheeded.